Pandemics are not a new thing for this generation. We lived and breathed it as recently as in 2019 when the COVID-19 pandemic silently ravaged millions across the globe, as it shut down the very global and national economic, social and financial systems, affecting billions of people. An invisible microscopic virus challenged the complex global health defense system, exposing our sense of insulation. It was after concerted efforts by governments all over the world to find a solution that we were able to mitigate it. Yet not before losing millions to it and billions of dollars to invent and distribute the vaccine, distribute mask handouts, and protect those who were vulnerable to it.
By the same token, the silent pandemic of divorce is eating our social fabric. Divorce is silently dismantling social cohesion and our unified effort to build a nation capable of passing down the economic and political legacy we have achieved to the future generation. When a nation has its foundation destroyed by this silent exterminator, we cannot talk of the multigenerational legacy we are building the economy and political culture for.
The divorce pandemic
Marriage has been considered one of the most important pillars of a nation since it is an incubator of a family unit that is considered to be a building block of any society. A happy family is a happy nation. When maritally bonded couples have an environment where they can emotionally and economically support and insulate themselves from one another against the storms of life, and when they are graced with children, children find a safe place to be trained for getting ready for life. This is a really perfectly designed social institution if we understand the purpose beyond what is commonly misunderstood, which is focusing on only a singular purpose of marriage, either emotional bond or economic support, since having an integrated understanding of marriage has the power to maintain the integrity of the marital union and strengthen it, putting it firmly on its foundation.
Despite the aforementioned benefits of marital union, nowadays, this institution is being heavily assaulted and its future existence is being questioned. The value we attach to marriage is constantly reviewed, and people are defying the rules, norms and principles that are key to having a healthy marital relationship. This is the reason why we are having an alarmingly high level of divorce rate in Ethiopia and globally as never seen before. The disunion and disintegration of family unions have insurmountable personal, economic, social and psychological tolls on those involved, their families and the broader society. Especially in Western countries, the destructive effect of divorce is incalculable. From a falling standard of living for divorced women and children facing a shocking drop in income, to the psychological disorientation and confusion induced in those involved in divorce, to governments that have to come to the rescue in terms of health care costs that were covered by the family union earlier, losing billions of dollars—all point in one direction to show how divorce, though personal, has multifaceted broader socioeconomic consequences that are costing taxpayers money.
In Ethiopia, the economic toll of divorce is real, but the pattern is somewhat different from Western countries because Ethiopia has lower average household incomes, a larger informal economy, stronger extended-family networks, and less comprehensive social protection. Still, the fact that the government does not directly carry the burden of divorce, the social and psychological effects on those involved are apparent. Especially women receive the brunt of divorce since usually they are dependent on their husbands financially.
Next to women, children also face serious predicaments because of divorce. Studies on the topic show that children from divorced families report difficulties obtaining necessities such as food, clothing and educational support, including situations where children do not receive adequate support from the non-custodial parent. It also reports effects on schooling quality and academic performance, highlighting the multifaceted challenges innocent children who have no say in the issue have to deal with.
Statistically speaking, according to Pew Research, in 2023, about one-third (33%) of Americans who had ever been married reported that their first marriage had ended in divorce. However, for people who were married before the ’90s, the percentage is near 50%. However, recently the rate has gone down substantially to 33%. When it comes to Ethiopia, the national analysis of the 2016 Ethiopia Demographic and Health Survey, covering 11,646 ever-married women, found that 24.9% had experienced divorce from their first marital relationship. This does not mean that 24.9% of all Ethiopian marriages end in divorce—it is a statistic for the particular population and definition used in that study. A separate study in Hosanna found marital dissolution in 26.0% of its 2022 sample, illustrating that substantial levels of marital disruption are also observed at the local level.
What are the causes of divorce?
What is commonly mentioned as a main reason across demographics and nations is economic. The stressful economic condition creates subsequent emotional pressures challenging the foundation. Hence, communication breakdown settles in, adding to and compounding the depth of the problem. Lack of empathy, misunderstanding, inability to settle conflicts peacefully, and the involvement of parents and relatives having a diverse effect can also be mentioned as causes of the divorce pandemic.
However, the cause of divorce goes deeper than simply economic burden-induced miscommunication and misunderstanding. It has broader sociocultural implications. At the outset, it comes to how men want to treat their wives. The patriarchal social structure where women are mistreated even in urban settings can be cited as one of the key social maladies we should deal with. The longstanding tradition of whatever the man says is right as he is supposed to be the breadwinner should be dealt with if we want to reduce the divorce rate. Respecting and making sure both partners are on the same page when it comes to big decisions that affect the whole family is cited here. Unilateral decisions disregarding the other partner in the marital equation are a recipe for marital disaster. Showing respect begins when both think the marriage they built is supposed to keep a firm foundation by mutual consent and consensus.
Keeping parents at bay when it comes to decisions is also important. If parents and relatives hold the thermometer of the marital relationship, dictating when to love and when to grow cold to a marital partner, this sort of norm is an indicator soon to see the marriage heading for disaster.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of Divorce
According to psychologist John Gottman, there are the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” a term he uses to describe four communication patterns that are particularly destructive to relationships. He notes that when couples come to marriage counseling and exhibit these four elements in their interaction, he knows for sure that the marriage is heading toward divorce and that there is considerable work required to reverse course. That is why he used prophetic imagery—they indicate something ominous coming for the couple.
The first horseman on the list is criticism. Even with honest feedback to improve relationships, constantly attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior will, according to him, be a sign that the marriage is heading to divorce. Criticisms such as “you never think about anyone but yourself,” “you’re so irresponsible. You never help around the house,” “you don’t care about this family,” “you always put yourself first.”
The key word in those expressions is “always” as it shows no discretion, but a blind, sweeping generalization and mischaracterization of a partner without citing a specific problem. Such comments discourage the partner and widen misunderstandings that could be easily solved.
The second horseman on the list is contempt, which is communicating superiority, disrespect, ridicule or disgust. “You’re unbelievable. How could anyone be so stupid?”, “Wow, you’re actually complaining about that? Pathetic.”, and “You really think you know everything, don’t you?” Such condescending comments dehumanize a marital partner and leave an indelible scar by damaging the relationship irreparably. Gottman considers contempt particularly damaging because it communicates that the other person is beneath you.
The third horseman for him is defensiveness, which is protecting yourself from criticism by making excuses, counterattacking or refusing responsibility. “It’s not my fault. You do exactly the same thing!”, “I only came home late because you kept calling me!”, “Why are you blaming me? You’re the one who started this.” Such behavior prevents partners from honestly discussing issues as one accuses the other instead of taking his or her own fair share of responsibility.
The final on the list is stonewalling, which is withdrawing from the interaction, shutting down or refusing to engage. Here partners are engulfed with deafening silence, looking away, leaving the conversation or emotionally checking out instead of choosing open communication. The refusal to engage in healthy and peaceful conversations frustrates the partner.
What does it take to safeguard it?
We should understand that our speech has a lasting effect on our partner. He or she might forgive us, but he or she will not forget what we say. Our tongue, as soft and slick as it appears to be, has the power to break and bring about massive emotional damage to our partner.
Limiting the involvement of those around a married couple is also important, as the decision-making responsibility, fairly and squarely, should rest only on the married couple, no matter what economic or financial support comes from others.
Married couples should also know that the emotional heat that was a catalyst at the beginning of the relationship will not be there. Psychologists claim that emotional energy can only last for two years. After that, it is the responsibility of the married couple to rekindle and ignite their romance by consciously contributing meaningfully to their relationship’s nourishment and nurturance. Spending quality time together has paramount importance since financial burdens and economic pressures can also be effectively dealt with when they collaboratively discuss their future and ways to overcome challenges instead of frantically trying to solve them independently. They should understand that no single person is responsible for making the marriage work and it is only their mutual, collaborative effort that can withstand the storms of life. Daring to ask for forgiveness when one makes mistakes is also really important for having a smooth relationship. No one can guarantee that a relationship will be frictionless, but if they build a system to honestly discuss issues frankly, they can protect themselves and their children from the adverse consequences of divorce.
Finally, knowing the love language of your partner, which is knowing what makes him or her feel loved, is very important. Rebuilding this foundation does not require importing alien frameworks; it starts by revitalizing community-level accountability, equipping young couples with emotional literacy, and treating marital stability as infrastructure for national human capital and resilience.
However, at times when the relationship involves physical abuse and continuous infidelity, asking for support should be a priority, as the marriage institution is not a place to be abused and subjugated.
All in all, this institution, despite being challenged, is meant to experience one of the most valued human emotions everyone craves to have: being unconditionally loved.
